Resolution

Before I get to my actual post, let me explain my recent blog hiatus.  We're teaching Helen Claire to fall asleep independently.  She's teaching us that 7 month olds have a way of screaming until they get what they want.  What she wants is to be rocked until she falls asleep.  I can't say I blame her.  I wouldn't mind that myself, and in fact, I still semi rock myself to sleep with a very annoying (or so I've been told) foot twitch.  Blogging hasn't been on the top of my to-do list lately.  As a reward for not picking her up (which I REALLY wanted to do about an hour in tonight), I am catching up on the blog.  I have about four other posts ready to go, so if you have nothing but time on your hands, happy reading!

So, I have debated about whether or not to make resolutions this year. I have come to the realization that I have a guilt problem. Guilt about working and not staying home with Helen Claire; guilt when work is a welcome escape from all the "work" at home; guilt becasue I don't call home enough; guilt because I call home too much; guilt because I don't get everything done in a day; guilt because I put too much on myself and couldn't possibly get it all done unless I took some kind of speed. Guilt, guilt and more guilt. And you know what the most ridiculous part is... guilt is a useless feeling. You can't do anything with it. It just cycles and comes back around to make you feel even worse about something you clearly already feel bad enough about. Let's be realistic for just a second and get back to my own personal guilt list. Here is the thing. Guilt or no guilt, work is not an option for me. Would I rather raise Helen Claire with no electricity, food, water, shelter, HEALTH INSURANCE!!! No- that's crazy. So, why then, do I rack my brain night after night, wondering if she will have permanent attachment issues becuase I have to leave her every day. Why, when I see how happy she is to see her friends and teachers and get to play, do I get a pit in my stomach when I leave her every morning at the CLC? Why do I kill myself over it when 99.9% of my paycheck goes to make sure she is at the best childcare facility possible? It's punishment for what I can't be (even if I want to), instead of praise for what I am doing for her. I beat myself up enough... which is why I have decided to make one resoluton- to have no resolutions.

Are there things I would like to accomplish this year? Of course. Are they worth feeling so bad about at the beginning of 2012 because I could not make them happen? Absolutely not. I am going to focus on the things that will happen this year, despite my "resolving" to do them. Jonathan will finish Engineering school. That alone could sum up 102 resolutions, and I am going to celebrate like crazy. Helen Claire will turn one year old!!!  That will be just as much a celebration of getting through the first year successfully and with a happy baby to boot. My sister gets married this year!!! Jonathan hits the big 3-0 this year! We have plenty to enjoy and look forward to without the stress of having to "get things done." So much good is going to happen this year, that it's not worth ruining it with a litany of things I may or may not live up to.

So, to all of you, I wish you a Happy (guilt free) New Year.

And, so does Helen Claire, who is now happily dreaming in her crib, which she feel asleep in on her own--finally.  Cross one resolution off of her list!